I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
do herpes really smell.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I just forgot I was standing up.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
