There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
