just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
