OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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