I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She even gives head with a lisp.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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