haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
