me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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