Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
