I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
whose ass print is on the piano?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
