90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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