"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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