I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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