if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Sorry my hands just texted you
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
