How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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