Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
