dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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