i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize
