How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
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Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
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Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?