Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
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Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
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I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...