im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
