worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
