I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
