Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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