Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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