just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
