i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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