My hair reeks of homosexuality.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
