she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
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I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
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If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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