Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
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