I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
