Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
