I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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