Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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