i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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