remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
