The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
