Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
