i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
