I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
