The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
