Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
