Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I queefed so loud it echoed.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
