if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
