do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
