i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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