If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
