mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
