OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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