I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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