He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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