Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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