if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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