I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
