i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
My vagina is officially offended.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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