I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
