then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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