I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
